“Life is too short to stay angry”, I heard someone say. And although I completely agree with the statement, when I heard it, my response was “life is too long to live a lie.” My thoughts surprised me and I began (as usual) analyzing where that response came from. I believe anger has its place, but dwelling in it, or ‘living there’ is only cause for damage to one’s health. But I know there’s truth in anger, and it just so happens I was still holding some lingering anger about losing a friendship. When I’m angry, the only thing I lie about is what I’m actually angry about; only when I’m honest about my anger can I actually get over it.
I could live a relative happy existence suppressing anger because ignorance is bliss. But knowledge is power, and I need to find a way to feel powerful. The truth isn’t always wine and roses, sometimes its water and weeds. Water is essential to life, and weeds always find a way of coming back. Furthermore, good ol’ JC turned water into wine, and probably saw the beauty in weeds: that is the miracle. Seeing anger for what it is, and turning into something constructive. My anger is difficult to deal with because I’m not an angry person, and I believe understanding triumphs over anger every time. I’ve avoided being angry, but that means I’ve avoided the truth. After reading an open letter on Life In The Dash Lane, (a great blog btw), which really resonated with me, I was inspired to explore my own lingering anger.
The friendship I lost encompassed a huge chunk of the social part of my life. They were the “family member” I chose to be around. They were the ally, confidant, counselor. Our friendship had come to an abrupt end; I’m sad for this but I respect and accept it. While this is an arduous task for me, it is essential for my emotional health to let go of what could have been, to find peace and move forward with life. I must mourn the friendship of which I was so incredibly emotionally invested in because trying to ignore my emotions would be unhealthy.
Acknowledging my anger means becoming aware of truths. I was angry at her for destroying my dream, but digging deeper I found that was not really the truth. Yes, it sucks that my dream was destroyed, but having dreams slip away is part of life. I dug deeper; my faith in teachings about love, and doing ‘the work’, and being grateful didn’t exactly help keep the relationship together. I was angry because I believed in it so much, but the result wasn’t what I expected. It seemed like a level of blame, so I dug even deeper. I was angry because I believed that with enough encouragement, the positive within a human would triumph over the negative, and I was proven wrong. However, that challenging battle is eternal for everyone, so I had to keep digging. Even after offering hope, encouragement and gratitude it was reciprocated with hopelessness, discouragement and ingratitude: I was angry about the imbalance. But in retrospect within the grand scheme, it was balanced. I had to go deeper. I reached my core and discovered the infuriating shameful truth: Despite her overpowering fear, I still wanted to love her; it made me feel weak. I refused to admit to myself that after being hurt by this person, I still wanted them in my life, I still cared for their well-being, I still wanted to talk to them, when they chose the exact opposite of all that.
Though I felt weak, I realized what strength it took to dig, to understand, to accept, and to change. I felt powerful; from inside is where true strength comes from. During my long excavation digging my way into the depths of my core, ‘I saw the light’, and realized how long life actually is, when you take the time to learn the truth.