Tag: Forgiveness

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned ;)

Sins of the Father Redux

For the purpose of this post I’m removing the religious connotations and moral precepts attached to the word ‘sin’. Borrowing from influential Metaphysics teacher Neville Goddard, it simply means ‘to miss the mark’. By not being the person I was meant to be, ‘I’ve missed the mark’– I’ve ‘sinned‘…

I’ve wondered if my parents grew into the people they were meant to be. There are a select few ways of knowing for certain if who they are now is who they were supposed to be.  Being separated by a generation I assumed they had more wisdom than I did, and possibly would acquire more throughout their lifetime. However, through the vicarious living, and not so subtle suggestions of what to do with my life, it seems perhaps they’ve missed the mark, but want to see that I hit mine.  It’s difficult to know who I’m supposed to be when I’ve only recently figured out who I am. Furthermore, I must remember that I can’t remain static: who I am won’t change, but who I’m supposed to be may change from time to time.

Though I’ve stated my parents were hilarious scary immigrants, I believe they did the best they could with the resources and levels of awareness available to them. However, I’ve also wondered, if my father didn’t become who he was meant to be how it would have affected me. And if I didn’t become who I was meant to be how that would affect him. My father is the strong silent type, with a plethora of good ideas, but doesn’t always articulate them clearly. Though we don’t share the same perspectives on many societal issues, I respect his position and sometimes enjoy discussing them. Yet, before I was able to grasp complex social concepts, I perceived much of what was communicated to me as boring lectures. I would’ve much rather been playing outside, or chasing girls, but even those options became lectures. The lectures went in one ear, and out the other but, before they evacuated my conscious mind they swirled around my subconscious, leaving behind faint whispers.

Growing up, I struggled with the inner conflict about who I was, who I was meant to be, and who I wanted to be. When the moment arrived that I became consciously aware I turned into my father, it was a wave of emotions. Who I was, who I was meant to be, and who I wanted to be didn’t match up. Echoing in my mind were the sins of my father, the sins of others, and sins of my own. The years spent defying my parents, and trying not to turn into them came back around. The harder I resisted, the more I completed the transformation. It was scary. So I finally let go, and stopped fighting it. I embraced it, and learned who they were, who I was, and who I could be.  Afterwards the real change occurred, and I was ‘saved from sin’.

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The 12: Forgiveness

Step 9: Forgiveness

Writer’s Rehab

Making amends may seem like a bitter pill to swallow, but for those serious about recovery it can be great medicine for the soul.

I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not the best writer, but instead a great writer, and I have forgiven myself for most of my writing mishaps, which proved to be paying my dues through learning experiences.  I’ve acknowledge and forgiven myself for mistakes I’ve made and will continue to make along my journey– I can’t expect to live life without making mistakes.  Incidentally, embracing my imperfection allows me to be perfect.  Along the way I’ve confronted the many stories I created not just in my outer world, but also the stories of my inner world. Although some of the inner stories I believed were untrue, they were stories I made up for my protection.  I’ve  forgiven myself for doing that, and created new truths for myself.

Taking time to reflect on my career choices, I made amends for making writing into something it isn’t, and for dragging my spirit through ‘hell’.  I’ve also made amends for not believing in myself because others didn’t.  For a long time I merely acted as though I was good enough, but inside I believed differently– I believed I wasn’t good enough, and I didn’t take time to acknowledge my talent.  I’ve been forgiven for not expressing myself truthfully through my words, and comparing myself to other writers.  I’ve also forgiven myself for allowing my ego to run wild, and especially for losing faith.  The biggest thing I had to forgive myself for was my ingratitude; for focusing on what I didn’t have, instead of what had already been given to me.

Forgiving myself and letting go of these shameful things is liberating, but also incredibly important to create more balance and harmony within my life.

The 12: Willingness

Step 8: Willingness

Writer’s Rehab

Taking responsibility may sound simple, but it’s not.

I must be willing to make amends with those who have been affected by my words, stories and illusions. Becoming willing to make amends for my actions is about accepting responsibility.  My choice to be a writer means being accountable for the creation of illusions that evoke emotions– an extremely powerful thing.  And with great power comes great responsibility.  Those I’ve harmed with my writing are many, and I don’t just mean the executives, and agents who had to endure work that wasn’t my best.  My friends and family have been affected also.  However, I wasn’t fully aware of the harm I inflicted to others, and to myself.  I didn’t really take in the scope of being a writer until it was too late.  Although I perhaps didn’t consciously choose to be a writer, my decision to write things I’ve written, in the way I wrote them produced results similar to a pebble dropped in a pond.  Carried across the surface, the small ripples produced change.  The change was small and unnoticeable at first, but the more I wrote the more ripples I caused, forever breaking the stillness within.  Good or bad, the change was unstoppable.  Although I can’t be responsible for how my work is received, I can be accountable for the emotions I express– Whatever the emotion, whatever the message, whatever the intent, the one most affected was of course, myself.  And by hurting myself with words, I hurt others.  Incidentally, it also includes words and stories I think of.  Conversely, empowering myself through words and things I create, empowers others, even if at first it is not perceived as such.  The act of working in solitude has a potential for greatness, and the potential for disaster, but working ‘together’, has a much more powerful effect.  Being inclusive and writing with a sense of togetherness means to allow exploration of my complete self, not just the part that wants to avoid external criticism.  Taking responsibility doesn’t make me invulnerable to criticism, it allows me to turn it into something positive.

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